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How to Drive Your Wife Crazy
Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about
cooking, cleaning and laundry. Say, I think its time I learn to
take care of myself. You know, just in case.
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure its real greasy. Use every
pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some
of everything everywhere.
While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink
and then at the mirror.
Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in
the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she
reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do
me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today."
Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop
them in the clothes hamper.
Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything
else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your
way.
Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean
in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house
plants are?"
Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake
up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Damn it,
you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so
selfish."
Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something
is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure its
as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having
uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective
between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face
anyway and say, "Oh stop it! A little X isn't going to hurt you."
Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been
on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"
Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get
home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just
not in the mood for whatever she's making.
When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand
new white sneakers.
When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger
in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough
to allow the article to slip off.
Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't
know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say
I never listen to YOU."
When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just
in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and
say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign surprise when
she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"
When ogling a woman say, "Sure she's gorgeous, but remember she's
young. I remember when you looked good too."
On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you
made, use the best towels in the house.
As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over
the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the
same size you did when you got married.
Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you
know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic
is shot and I need new ones."
Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her
in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
Wait until she has repeatedly told you something. Come home shortly
after and say, X (women's name most effective but could be suicidal)
just gave me the best advice and repeat word for word.
When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good
clothes.
Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt
every other sentence with, "No, that's not what.........."
Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the
next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell
did you do. I never had a problem with it."
Even though the water is yellow and foamy, swear you flushed the
toilet.
Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours.
When they need something, they're hers.
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